Memory Orbs – July 17th

Days have memories. The more days you have the more memories. With time, we develop these memory pieces that remind us of our loved ones. This reminds me of the movie, ‘Inside Out’ which focuses on memories.

“In Inside Out, recall occurs when memory orbs from Long Term are sent back up to Headquarters, where a projector shines light through the orb so a past event is replayed on a screen in front of the control console.”

(Chamary, JV. “How Inside Out Explains The Science of Memory”. August 30, 2015 https://www.forbes.com/sites/jvchamary/2015/08/30/inside-out-science/#66f7f7615184)

July 17th, 2014 will always be the best, worst day of my life. A day I run through my head still 6 years later:

My red, Guess shirt. A routine ultrasound day. Seeing my active kids on the screen. Concerned look from the tech. A quick phone call to the doctor. Rushing to the hospital. Uncertainty of what was happening but still hopeful. Checking in. Waiting for a room. Getting to the delivery room. Seeing my wife in pain. Ryce comes…then life changes forever.

Pictures taken. Their footprints, blankets, hats, bears, clothes, my cross and necklace from the hospital gift shop. The hospital windows. The four hearts. Their names (Ryce, Jayda, Jordan, Mahkai). The annual pregnancy and infant loss event. It is all I have to remember them. I’m thankful for the nurses, our photographer, and friends/family who had the presence of mind to create mementos for us while we were in a dark place. When I think of those things, my ‘memory orbs‘ from that day go to my head and that day is replayed like a video in my mind. For many fathers, they experience these memories and it affects them in different ways. The grief fathers go through is not often acknowledged. Sean Hanish, ‘Return to Zero’ writer, explained it in this way:

“As a husband, a partner, a man, you are a passenger on the pregnancy express. You can look out the window and watch the scenery go by, her belly grow, her skin glow, and if you’re lucky, catch your baby’s elbow as it presses against her belly like the dorsal fin of some alien sea creature, making it more real for you. But you’re not the engineer. When the crash comes, you are struggling with your own emotions, grief and loss, desolation, and depression and watching as your wife, your partner, your life jumps the tracks. Twisting metal tumbling out of control in slow motion. Prepare for impact.”

(Shafer, Tara. “Men Lose Babies Too”. https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/20/men-lose-babies-too)

These memories can take a toll on some fathers so it is important to support them and how they grieve too. I’m blessed to have God, family, and friends to help navigate me through the grief and keep their memories alive.

I wish I had more memories to remind me of the quads. Even though they are no longer here on this Earth. I thank God for the time I had with them and the few memories I do have. We are blessed to have our 3 year old twin boys, 4 year old girl, and 6 year old boy in our lives right now. We are enjoying watching them grow and they remind us of the quads.

I hope to make many memorable moments that will be there for my children and others. I wish Ryce, Jayda, Jordan, and Mahkai a HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY!! We will celebrate you today and your siblings will keep it very lively…I’m sure of it. 😉 💗you